Sunday, February 17, 2013

Hypochondriacal Hannah

I was born with a dreadful disease called Hypochondriosis. It's so severe that even placebos don't help. To give you an idea of the rough life I have led, I will give you a "quick" run-down of all the various afflictions I've had.

Since the age of 4 I have had dysphagia (symptoms are mostly under control now) at the age of 5 I was in danger of drowning from all the liquids I drank (my body could only hold so much until it reached my lungs, right?) from 5-10 I was frequently a victim of poisoning from heating oil, cleaning chemicals, and powdered laundry detergent (easy to inhale by accident), at 5 I was pregnant, at 6 I believed I was going to be promiscuous in my sleep with unsuspecting men (I probably had AIDS, too). At 8 I had breast cancer, at 9 I suffered from dwarfism, at 10 I had a brain tumor, at 14 I realized all of my teeth were going to fall out, at 15 I lost almost an entire night's sleep because I believed I would wake up deaf and blind (true story), let's skip a decade or more (Because I actually got real-life sick at some point) just in the past year I've had MS, Brain Damage, Arthritis, bone cancer, lupus, testicular cancer, at least 2 pregnancies (from public toilet seats)and a lobotomy (Courtesy of my acupuncturist)

At the age of 17, my Sister-in-law watched as I filled my little old-lady pill containers with supplements..."What's that for?" she asked, pointing to the fish oil. "My heart" I replied in a tone that I don't think was too over-dramatic. But she laughed hysterically anyway.

*sigh* I am so misunderstood.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to bed so my adrenal glands can rest up in preparation for the trauma of my upcoming knee surgery during which I will probably die.

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